I love fashion and I love the New York Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week- the glamor, the lights, and the music and energy of live runway shows at the Bryant Park tent. Yes, I've been fortunate enough to see some live runway shows and yes, the models are impossibly rail thin and there are so many posers in this scene, but I take it all with a grain of salt and just enjoy it, and see it for what it all is.

On Saturday I went to an off-site show where a new designer was debuting. It was a much more intimate setting with the theme of a "tea party." Alongside the runway there were small round white table-clothed tables for guests to sit as they sipped tea and sampled finger foods from a long table of mini-food stations.

The show started without the usual fanfare of loud, pulsing music, but with a pianist seated at a grand piano playing familiar sounding jazz tunes.

The models walked out in elegant silk crepe creations- there were billowing blouses, flowing dresses and sumptuous gowns. One by one they came down the runway, and then a second time- this time pausing at three points on the runway for guests to take a closer look, and then a third- pausing again at the same three points on the runway, and again... I stared at their expressionless faces. As the piano music paused and continued, they walked on like droids pausing at their preassigned intervals, as if on an assembly line in an seemingly endless loop. I started to have an unsettling feeling.

When I was younger things came more easily, especially love. I questioned less. I'd fall first and then I'd eventually see the reality more clearly and then have to deal with the other person's faults and shortcomings. Problem is that by then I'd already be in a relationship.

Now I do fall, but but perhaps more slowly and with a critical mind and awareness of the other person's faults. No one is perfect, least of all me. There's always a need to elucidate was is and isn't working for me in these situations. I guess it is a matter of me putting me first and thinking about whether or not I can deal with the particulars of a situation. Or is it?

Sometimes we don't have all the answers to make a decisive decision, so how about just working through it, approaching it like a koan. Maybe there is some learning here as we break out of old patterns, drop the baggage, deal with things differently, let go and maybe we can even grow from the experience.

Life should be lived intensely and without regret.

But sometimes that makes it hard to recover.

Misunderstanding and Miscommunication

The gap between the way one person expresses him/herself and how the other perceives it.

I was focused on what I did not see.
If I did not see it or experience it in the form I expected, it did not exist.
I did not realize it was there right before my eyes all along...
Until I heard it, or rather saw it written in black and white.

With so many things in life I just go with the flow and follow my intuition. But, at the same time, I also know how to make things happen. I like making things happen- this is what inspires and empowers me.

But lately I've been struggling with my feelings and what it would take to make a certain situation work. Maybe it's time to stop working so hard to make it happen, and to let it go.

Lately I feel as though my heart is on hold.

When we find what we are passionate about in life, it may consume us, we may become consumed by it, but there's a fine line to tread- we've got to keep things in check- so that it does not become what we are defined by, what solely defines us, or stops us from living life.

It's always nice to be noticed for one's beauty, especially at the most unsuspecting times... like tonight as I walked out of the subway casually dressed, with no makeup on, bundled up in a thick sweater jacket, in my rubber rain boots. I turned as I heard someone say "Sweetie, you're gorgeous"- in a simple sincere way. I smiled and told him that he just made my day.

Just as much as that made me feel good, I also realize that it is what it is. A passing acknowledgment... for what? I relish these moments, but also know that one day I will "loose my looks", age and such sweet comments will become less and less frequent. But what value is there really in them? I'd rather be admired for my accomplishments, achievements or contributions.

I try not to take it too seriously, or let it go to my head.